When dying's the best thing that ever happened
by Yawwii
Summary: Basically a little story on how Dean & Sam came to love each othe will be more than one chapter :3 uhm Slash, wincest, Sam/Dean ... you have been warned... I said in the story rated T, but I put it as M for the whole...ya know... incest part.
1. Chapter 1

Okay so this is my first wincest ^^ I rated it T because It'll probably get a bit more wincesty later on, but for now it's probably K- :P Tho, because it's incest should I put it up to an M 'cause some people have a problem with that?

Anyways thanks for reading, and uh, yeh, kinda wincest atm, more later, don't like don't read...

Did I leave anything out? If I did please tell me so I can fix it ^^.

Basically it's pretty much canon up till 'Heart' (Because I haven't seen past there) but I kinda know what happens so if I left out any monumental events I'm sorry, but I know ish what happens, so it might sorta follow that. Oh yeah... character death...T_T but not too bad! Honestly don't let it put you off like it puts me off :P...

Thank you for your time.

Dean waited outside the school gate for Sam, he couldn't remember the name of the school, and to be honest he didn't really care, this was the 3rd school in 6 months, so it didn't matter whatever the hell the name was, all that mattered was that he knew where it was, and he had enough time to get from whatever shitty public school he was at, to Sammy's so he could pick him up.

He stared in amazement as his 9 year old brother walked out surrounded by a group of kids, he'd only been there for like 3 weeks and he'd already made so many friends, John had had to have a full blown argument with Sam the first time he left a school because he wanted to stay in contact with...well everyone.

"So who do you want to marry when you grow up Penny?" A little rat faced kid asked a pretty little blonde girl, who blushed and looked over at Sam biting her lip. Dean inwardly sighed, why did his brother always get all the girls? It was ridiculous! Even at nine he was too-tall, had too-long hair and too-big eyes, yet all the little munchkins seemed to find him irresistible.

At thirteen Dean was packing some muscle, he was still taller than Sam, but not by that much, which was embarrassing considering the age difference, he held himself like a man already, and he never lost in fist fights. He was smarter than most people thought, even though he didn't give a crap about school. To a teenage girl he'd be somewhere between the cuteness of a kid (since he still had some puppy-fat on his face) and the hotness of an adult (since he was starting to get stubble, luckily a Winchester doesn't go through the awkwardness of wiry whiskers on their chins like most boys, and e had a six pack from the intense training he did.). His long pretty eyelashes and full-pouty lips added some femininity to his face, along with the cute dash of freckles across his nose, which he constantly had to smash people in the stomach for commenting on.

The kids were slowly ambling towards the gate, and it seemed none of them noticed Dean standing there.

"Uhmmm...I don't want to marry anyone, I wanna be the president!" the little blonde girl looked considerably proud of herself and Dean found himself thinking there was maybe hope for her yet, "What about you Sammy?" He froze a little at that word, but relaxed when he saw Sam scowl at her.

"It's Sam." He said it a little more aggressively than he maybe meant to, but he didn't really care. When Sam (finally) reached the gate he caught sight of Dean and instantly beamed, hooking his skinny arm through his brother's where Dean had it shoved in his leather jacket ( a 13th birthday present from their dad) pocket, and said, "When I grow up I'm going to marry Dean!" his smile didn't fade at all, and all the other kids just laughed and thought he was joking as they headed towards their parent's who were all now eying a rather red Dean suspiciously.

"Sammy!" Dean hissed. "We're [I]brothers, brothers[/I] don't get married!" He fought to control the burning across his face but failed miserably as they walked in the general direction of the motel they were staying at. Sam's smile dropped instantly into a frown as he stared at the ground, arm slack around his brother's.

"Oh."

'Great,' Dean thought, 'now he's upset, I swear if he does those puppy dog eyes again I'll scream! Stupid kid doesn't understand incest and nature...urgh I'll give him a 'talk' later... but for now ice-cream will have to do. What flavour does he like, Chocolate or Strawberry?'

They walked into the sweet shop near their motel and Dean bought them both an ice-cream, one strawberry and one chocolate. He held both out to Sam, who took the Strawberry one and started licking it.

They walked for a few more steps, both happily licking at their ice-creams until Sam said;

"Prefer chocolate..." and scowled at his pink ice-cream. Dean sighed and handed his over to Sam, taking the strawberry one, and giving his little brother the chocolate one. They both licked contently and when they got back to the motel they found their dad at the door with suitcases.

Dean rolled his eyes and Sam pulled a face, but when he said they were finished here and to get in the car, they had a case in Louisiana, they both just muttered 'yes sir' and got into their dad's beat up truck.

'Can't wait till I get my own car...' Dean thought to himself.

"Dean?" 9 year old Sammy asked, his pre-pubescent voice sounding deep and worried, Dean looked at him and nodded but it didn't seem to work. "Dean? Dean? Dean wake up!" little Sammy reached over and started shaking him, surprisingly strong for his age.

Suddenly everything was black and hazy, as some little blobs of light came into view. As he came to Dean realised he was on the floor of a shabby motel room somewhere near Las Vegas. He was 26 and little Sammy was now a not-so-little-6'4" 22 year-old. It had been months since he had first asked for Sam's help with things, and their relationship was still a little rough around the edges.

"Oh thank God for that Dean! You were on the floor practically having a fit! I thought I'd lost you!" Sam started half-sobbing-half-hugging Dean while he patted his little brother's back dumstruck.

The surroundings started to melt away, and soon they were lying on a motel bed while Sammy sobbed his little heart out about that lycanthrope he had to kill. Madison. Dean soothed his little brother, or attempted to anyway. Life was never fair to the kind. Sam knew he had done the right thing, they'd tried to sever the bloodline but that didn't work, and frankly Dean hadn't had much hope. He'd kept reminding Sam of all the people he could've saved, but it didn't really work. This was why Dean never let himself get attached to anyone. The only person he truly cared about was Sammy.

The scene faded and Dean was there, making the deal with the demon to save Sammy's life and sacrifice his own soul to hell. He knew at that moment that he couldn't keep living if Sam wasn't there, because he couldn't stop hunting, that was for sure, people needed saving, yet he just wouldn't be able to hunt alone anymore.

The last year they had together came as a blur, the emotional chick-flick moments Dean pretended to hate so much, the obvious guilt in Sam's eyes; no matter what Dean told him he blamed himself, the successful hunts, and the images that stood out the most in his mind were of Sam, smiling, happy, and sleeping, peaceful. Sam deserved peace.

In his dying moments Dean realised he was in love with his little brother, and that if the hounds of hell weren't here to drag him below, he sure as... hell... would be going there anyway.

The night his brother died, Sam had drunken himself to oblivion and back. He was sure that he'd pass out at the sleazy bar soon, but toxins weren't even on his side that day.

The next 4 months set out a pattern for him, go, find something to hunt, kill it without blinking, get as drunk as humanly possible and then if he hadn't passed out he'd go find someone to start a fight with.

Sam was lost basically. He knew it was his fault. He shouldn't have been so careless. Now his brother was dead, to save him. It was pretty obvious, especially when you put it blankly like that. Now he knew how his brother must've felt when their dad did the same for him. For the last year he had known it was coming, yet he'd still not adequately prepared himself for what had happened.

Even Jessica's death hadn't hit him so hard. 'That's 'cause you didn't love her' a bitter voice in Sam's head said as he slammed more alcohol down his already burning throat.

The bar was quiet, he had a stall to himself, which was what he preferred, he could talk to himself without anyone thinking he was coo-coo.

"Oh yeah?" He muttered.

'Yeah. We've had this conversation a million times Sam. Just accept it already!'

"Look even if you're right, which I'm not saying you are, why would it be worse, sure I figured she might die because of my visions, but still her death was such a shock, but I knew for a whole year Dean was gonna die, and even if it was my fault I should've logically prepared myself!"

It was a real good thing no one was around to watch an overly-drunken Sam talk angrily too himself as he couldn't stop himself from raising his voice.

'Right. Prepare yourself. Good one. You know why you were with Jess. You were running. You were even running when you had that thing with the werewolf. How many times have you tried to run and failed?'

"Shut up!"

'You know why you failed right? Because every time you look into those green eyes you can't help but-.'

"I said shut up! And I'm not going to ever look into his eyes again am I? It's all my fault so will you just leave me alone?!"

'Tetchy. Stop blaming yourself, would Dean want you to be wasting the life he gave you like this?'

"...No."

'Good now do everything your brother wants. He wants you to be happy remember. Now do it. Be happy, you can do it for him.'

"I'll never be happy without him." Sam muttered miserably to the voice in his head, all the anger gone from his voice.

'And why's that then?' The voice was half gentle, half mocking. They had had this conversation about 6 dozen times before.

"I-I...I love him. That's why. Are you happy now?"

'Eeep!' The sound in his head made a strangled sound as it seemed to register before Sam did the big heavy door opening out onto a blizzard.

He looked up at the figure who just entered, knew it couldn't be, but still called out "Dean!"

His heart fell into his stomach as the stranger turned and an unfamiliar face looked quizzically at him.

"Look hon, I think you've had a bit too much to drink, why don't you head on home now?" A pretty honey-blonde waitress came up to Sam, gently ushering him out of the bar.

He got outside the door, skin impervious to the cold heavy snow hitting it as he went to stand by the impala. He ran a shakey drunken hand down the bonnet, knowing Dean would kill him if he damaged his baby, then laughed bitterly at the thought.

Opening the rear doors and turning on the heating, Sam curled up in the backseat of the Impala, pulling one of Dean's overlarge shirts around him for *warmth*. 'Has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that it smells like Dean, right Sammy?' the inner-voice came back to him quickly.

Sam fell asleep into the kind of hell that had plagued him since Dean died.

They'd be out happy somewhere, the cinema, the park, doing *normal* couple-y stuff, and suddenly there would be a big rush of people with mean evil faces, Sam would get pulled into the crowd and they started batting him between each other, like a bully circle at a heavy metal concert, but much worse. He'd catch Dean's face through the crowd and his heart would shatter; sometimes Dean would be laughing and joining in, and sometimes he would suddenly shout 'No, Take me! I won't fight back I promise, just let Sammy go!' The faces of the crowd would change, and they'd be everyone Dean had ever hurt, been in a fight with, exorcised, or slept with and not called. Sam didn't know how he remembered everyone, and he didn't know which hurt most, Dean joining in or Dean being ripped to shreds by the crowd. 'Well that's a lie.' The inner-voice interrupted his dream, 'You'd rather have him bully you than die!'

Every night he'd wake up in a cold sweat with a need to vomit, but he'd always keep the Impala pristine. Nothing, not even a speck of dust, was allowed to settle on Dean's baby for more than 3 seconds. If anyone dared touch it they'd find themselves on the floor quite quickly with a fountain for a nose.

TBC. Okay so what do you think? Too crappy? Too corny? Too badly-word? Too stoic? Suggestions? There will be another chapter by the way, but I'm realllll busy with mock exams so I dunno when I'll get it done.

Oh & if anyone does reply/review what does \o/ mean? Is it lol? *blushes like the fool she is*


	2. Chapter 2!

Sam woke up in the backseat of the Impala, severely hung over, but with no regrets.  
He immediately thought back to Stanford.  
It was his morning-haunting.  
Jessica, how he'd let an innocent person die.  
His friends, how he'd just deserted them.  
His future, how he'd thrown it all away in a flash.  
All for Dean.  
Everything was for him.  
Sam was supposed to be the smart one, but instead of appreciating every moment he had with Dean, he had run, run away to college.  
Real smart. He'd run from his feelings & he knew that. Forced feelings of 'love' onto Jess. Forced emotions in general. But even then he was dead without Dean. So how was he supposed to cope now?  
When he'd told Dean and Dad that he was leaving their faces were exact opposite, John was furious, it was betrayal, Sam didn't care about Mary. Dean was crushed. He composed himself quickly, but Sam had seen it and he nearly said forget it. But that night Dean whispered 'I'm proud of you Sammy', when he thought Sam was asleep.  
Plus if Dean hated him for leaving that was okay. But if Dean knew how he felt, FEELS, about him, well he would hate Sam forever. And ever. Plus a few thousand millenia. Then a couple more just for good measure.  
Sam clung to that now, knowing it was right not to tell Dean how he was sickly in love with him. Somehow it was okay if Dean hated him for reasons Sam could control, but if Dean hated him for how much he loved his big brother, that would be worse than hell.  
Which was exactly where Dean had walked right into, just to keep Sam alive.  
"This is such a mess..." Sam groaned into his hands.

~~~

Dean had known that if Sammy had felt anywhere near what he felt for his little brother, then it would be torture if he found out Dean had made the deal, which is why he tried (and failed) to keep it a secret.  
It seemed he failed at anything to protect his baby brother...who he just happened to want to kiss...and...stuff.  
He couldn't live without his little brother. He'd wanted ten long years with him, but instead he'd had one. One short year that dissappeared quickly between girls legs, (had to keep up image didn't he.  
So as he suffered in hell he had no regrets, knowing his brother could finally move on and be happy, no hunting, forget the apocolypse, he could just have a nice normal life. Even though Sammy wasn't like that Dean hoped he'd read him wrong, hoped Sammy could be happy, even if it was until the end of the world.  
But somewhere between the 25-30th years some bastard had been sent downstairs, and told him in the past 3 months how badly Sammy had been living. He hadn't even given up hunting, just going on a self-destruct course. Muttering to himself at bars about some 'Dean.  
Well Dean figured that hell was like jail; get out on good behaviour. So he became what he hated most.  
He tortured souls. He became a monster. All in the name of Sam. All in the hopes that one day he could drag himself up from hell and tell his baby brother to stop being stupid, and live a little.  
Maybe those wouldn't be his exact words. But somewhere close to that.  
Imagine Dean's surprise when and Angel pulled him out (okay so he didn't know at the time it was an angel, that'd come a bit later)? Shock and relief were amongst the many emotions threatening to blow up his mind.  
He's shamed to say the first thing he did after...coming back, was jerking off. Seriously, 40 years was enough. He NEEDED some release. He was horrified at his actions, but not as much as he maybe should have been, after all he only did it to see Sam. Not entirely sure where his logic came from, but he still gave it a shot.

~~~

Sam's phone had a message from a hunter he had met at the roadhouse months and months ago. Something about werewolfs and vampires. Nearly 90 miles away but he had time to kill, like his whole life.

He started the Impala, but he had to stop for gas about 15 miles down the road.

The light in the gas station flickered and the country-style radio station went fuzzy. Sam sprung instantly into action and within twenty minutes the situation was under control:

The spirit of a 6 year old girl was making things fall off shelves, and just wreaking havoc in general, trying to get attention, apparently unaware she had died. It turned out she had died when her uncle accidently left the handbrake off and the car rolled backwards as she stretched her legs on the curb.

Sam quickly made contact (she was eager to show herself) and convinced her she was dead, she cried for a bit and moved on. Sam got his gas and about half the snacks in the store for free.

"Just in a days work." He said to the grateful shop-assistant, who was smiling at him with a wattage so high he swore he could feel his skin tanning. He smiled back half-heartedly and stepped into the weak sunlight of mid-september.

His bags hit the floor.

~~~

He instantly regretted not wearing a jacket. He watched his brother enter the shop and panic rose in him as the lights flickered. He almost rushed in but restrained himself, watching in awe as his brother expertly dealt with the situation.

Dean laughed as the girl flirted with his Sammy. 'No chance' passed through his mind.

When Sam turned around Dean was sure he'd collapse, for one his brother's new gaunt, haunted look did nothing to detract from his startling beauty, which was nearly enough to make Dean collapse, from worry more than anything else, but also the expression on his face was just about the funniest thing Dean had seen in 40 years. Okay a puppy being kicked would've been funnier than anything he'd seen in the last 40 years. Not the point though.

"What?" Dean said jovially, throwing his arms open, as Sammy dropped the shopping bags in disbelief, "No hug?" he grinned maniacally at his little brother who looked like he'd just dropped his brains on the floor along with his junk food.

Bags forgotten Sam sprinted towards his dead brother and tackled him to the ground. For a few blissful moments everything wrong with the world was forgotten, as they hugged fiercely, half kneeling half falling. Dean had tears in his eyes and Sam's were already dribbling down his face as he clung tightly to his big brother.

"You've been taking good care of her..." Dean nodded appreciatively at the Impala, to which Sam muttered, 'knew you'd kill me if I didn't', "but what about yourself?" concern was obvious in his eyes and Sam's shoulders sagged a little.

"Neither have you." The younger retorted, badly attempting to distract his big brother. Dean scoffed.

"I've been in hell for the past 40 years. What's your excuse?" when Dean saw Sam's eyes fill with something along the lines of guilt his stomach twisted. "Oh no you don't Sammy. Listen to me; this was not your fault. I made my own choices. I don't regret them one iota. Okay? Plus it was fun, nice and warm. You know how I hate the cold!"

"Dean don't." Sam pulled away from Dean slightly, resting against the bonnet of the Impala. "It's not funny. Please don't make a joke out of this. Alot of shit's happened between us, and alot of bad shit's happened since you left. Ruby's been-" Sam was cut off by Dean's;

"You're still seeing that hell-bitch? Dude I thought you were past fucking the beast by now?"

"Dean! She's not a bitch, she's been helping me, and once Dean! Okay I've slept with her one time! Now I mostly see her for th-.. anyway my point is that do you have any idea what you'd be leaving behind? How Bobby dealt? Ellen? Jo-I know you had a thing for her!"

While he was still focussed on what Sam was going to say, he had to ask; "How you felt?" he judged his younger brother under his imperial 'batman' stare. "How *did* you feel?" 'Cause really what he'd seen in Sam's eyes earlier couldn't have just been brotherly... or maybe it was. Maybe he's spent too long in hell to recognize an 'I-wanna-rip-your-clothes-off-now' look?

"I...Dean...You left and... you know... I was left to cope on my own, I mean sure I have Ruby but she's not family...Dean-De. Not a single demon would do a deal with me! Hell, they'd barely come near me! Do you have any idea what that's like?! Remember how you felt when *I* died. When *you* made the friggin' deal for *me*? Well amplify that by about 60 and you might get close to how I felt."

"Sam. I re-eally don't think you feel worse than I did. Impossible even." By this time they were in the car and on their way to...somewhere, the shopping in the backseat, and Sam slammed his hand down on the dash board loud and hard. Dean jumped and nearly swerved the car off the road.

"DEAN! IT'S NOT EVEN ON THE SAME SCALE! YOU WERE GONE FOR FOUR MONTHS! I COULDN'T *DO* ANYTHING ABOUT IT! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THAT'S LIKE? AND I *KNEW* YOU WERE IN HELL, AT LEAST I *COULD'VE* BEEN IN HEAVEN!! NOT TO MENTION I HAD TO WATCH YOU GET RIPPED TO SHREDS BY A HELLHOUND, LILITH WOULDN'T EVEN LET ME CLOSE MY EYES!" Sam was panting slightly after yelling, but still managed to add; "I had to carry on life without you by myside, knowing you were suffering eternal hellfire for me, it's a miracle you're out, and I'll never be able to repay you, but *please* just at least let me have this, that I win on the 'who hated the other dying the most' contest?"

Dean thought about it for a minute before shaking his head, Sam opened his mouth to talk but Dean got there first; "Sam. Sammy. It's not a freaking contest okay? But there's some things I gotta know. Like how come you didn't attack me with silver or holy water or salt when you first saw me? And why'd Lilith's demon sparkles not work on you, yeah I saw that, how come her mojo didn't do anything? And how've you been hunting, no offence you're a great hunter, but come on, dude there's been so many times we wouldn't've made it out without the other that it's hard to believe either of us could survive alone."

Sam shifted nervously. His eyes flicked around the car, looking anywhere but Dean, particularly the doors. Just as he was thinking he could open the door and tuck 'n' roll his way to freedom Dean locked the interior.

"Sam." Dean's voice held a warning, not harsh but not as soft as before. One look at his little brother's watery eyes and he pulled in at the nearest motel, luckily not far, even though it was only 5pm, and they were miles away from where he wanted to be. Once he had him in the room, 2 queens, Dean sat him down on the bed, got him some tissues, and sat with his back leaning against Sam's, just like when they were kids. Afterall it was easier to confess to something when you're not looking at someone's face.

After what seemed like a long time of sitting Sam finally started speaking. And once he started he couldn't stop. It all just came pouring out, Ruby, the demon blood, his demon mojo, how it scared him, how *jess* would be so ashamed of him, and how he'd not even *really* loved her, and how that made him feel.

Usually for the elder Winchester this would've been too girly for him (y'know, minus the whole drinking demon blood thing), but after Sam stopped, he started, he told him about him & Cassie, how it never really worked because he never put enough in, how he really did care about her, but more like a sister, and how her rejection of the family business crushed him, he talked about how after hell he was most scared of himself, what he was capable of, and told Sam about everything. Well, except the whole incestuous love affair thing going on in his head...

The brothers sat there on that bed, in not so much awkward but more contemplative silence. Sam had gone faetal and was hugging his knees whereas Dean was lounging, using Sam as a wall to lean against while he thought it through.

"So. How long has it been since your last..uh..hit?"

"Dean! That's so not...and it's not about that, think how people I save-"

"Not worth it if you die. What do you think happens when you drink too much? I've *seen* it Sammy. Not worth it, you'll turn. Trust me. No Sam. Not worth it if it means losing you. When?"

"Uhm. About a month ago I guess...why?"

"You said 2-3 weeks before. Symptoms?"

"Huh?"

"Withdrawal."

"Not really. Just...hungry...alot."

"S'long as you're not turning into a rubaru or whatever they're called."

"*Dean...* You want me to stop then?"

"Yeah. Duh. Like I said. You'll turn. Full fledged demon spawn. Satan's bitch. All that. Sam. *It's not worth it.* Ever."

"Okay. I'll stop. But...I'll need a new phone and something to hide me from Ruby...she can be very tempting..." on hearing Dean snicker, "NOT LIKE THAT!" *mutter* "pervert". "What about you?"

"What about me? The hell thing? Oh I'm over it. I'm guessing you could see the imprint hell left on me with your demon mojo huh? Oh well. Don't worry Sam. I hated it, every second of it. I'd take torture over torturing others, I'll never let it go, but it was worth it, because I got out. And now here we are..."

"Yeah. Here we are...so what now?"

"Kill some evil sons of bitches..."

"And raise a little hell? Dean, dude, you've already done that bit."

"Shutup Samantha. You know I think you're just moody you don't get to play with your new toy!"

"Aww Deanna, is that jealousy I hear? Don't worry we'll beat up the big bad demons your way."

Dean flipped around and pinned a surprised Sam quickly to the bed. Without even thinking the younger lifted his head and met his brother's lips. Dean stiffened and suddenly they were on opposite sides of the room.

"Ah-Dean. Sorry. I sorry. I don't know....uhm...gawd...crap..I didn't mean to...I'll just go." Sam was flushed and rambling, gesticulating wildly, while Dean stood opposite him, cool, calm and collected, smiling softly.

Taking long confident strides Dean quickly closed the distance between them and had his mouth back on Sam's before he could even make a move to get to the door.

The kiss was awkward at first, teeth and lips clashing, but slowly it became deep and passionate, Dean's tongue exploring Sam's mouth, before coaxing his brother's tongue into a slow dance. When they finally pulled away they were both panting and Sam's pupils were so dilated Dean *could've* mistaken him for a demon.

Quickly confusion clouded Sam's lust-filled eyes, so Dean smiled cockily and said;

"when I was in hell I promised myself if I ever got another oppertunity I wouldn't waste it. I knew I'd find out one way or another." Sam smiled dazedly back before moving in again.

This time their kiss was much more passionate and filled with love and lust, one of Dean's hands hooked around Sam's neck, the other corded in his hair, while Sam's slowly caressed his flanks and back.

Suddenly the room was filled with a heavy presence and Dean immediately snapped into protective big brother mode, turning so he was blocking Sam from the intruder, although because of the height difference Sam's head was exposed...

They both stared as a very confused looking tax-accountant was standing before them with his head tilted to one side, amazing blue eyes boring into their very souls.

~~~~~~~~~

okay sorry that took so long but I have exams and crap :/ which = not alot of time for fanfiction. like at all. it's a crime really. Thanks for reviewing :) I hope this meets your expectations? If not you could always flame/tell me how to improve :) *flames are nice, it's frikkin' cold in england.* 


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